Secret Diary of Aragorn Son of Arathorn Part 3
by Jane99
Summary: Cassandra style parody of ROTK, from Aragorn's point of view.


Those who have been lucky enough to come across Cassandra's "Secret Diary" series have also been unlucky enough to find that she has decided to stop doing them. This story is posted under my account, but really is the combined work of my local Tolkien group, who have (completely without anyone's permission) done our own ending to Aragorn's dairy. Cassandra had done parts 1 and 2, so this is part 3, corresponding to the film version of "Return of the King".

Obviously, we own nothing.

**Secret Diary of Aragorn son of Arathorn, Part 3.**

**Day One: **Arrived at Isengard, foundtwo hobbits doing dope, wouldn't give me any, V. selfish; need some after staring at arse of Galdalf's horse all day. Wonder if Saruman will give me any? Still not King. Saruman sulking at top of tower, clearly won't give me any. Obviously not giving Wormtongue any either. Wormtongue gave him some; not sure it was appreciated.

**Day Two:** Arrived at Edoras, Eowyn still attracted to my manly stubble, can't blame her as looking v. manly. The Elf and Dwarf are at it again! The Elf is clearly on top. Eowyn giving me the look. Not sure what to do with it. Beat hasty retreat.

**Day Two: update:** Gandalf keeping one hand on ball. Decided to go outside for fresh air, paused to talk to Eowyn, having dream of unstoppable wave – was flattered. Poor girl obviously desperate with lust. Said something vague to comfort her, would have liked to do more, but Uncle and guards with big swords in next room, and Legolas waiting outside in fetching poke bonnet. Legolas suffering after effects of drinking game. Interrupted by scream, Gandalf ball-less. Pippin's fault. Tried to get my hands on it too, but was overwhelmed by its size and potency. How emasculating. This would never happen if I was king. Pippin sees flaming tree, all I see is big eye.

**Day Three: **Pippin and Gandalf off to Minas Tirith. Spent couple of hours comforting Merry, v. enjoyable. Why is everyone going to Minas Tirith but me, don't they know I am to be king?

**Day Eight: **See signal, dropped coffee over best doublet. Only doublet. Bugger! Maybe Eowyn could make new one when taking break from Shieldmaidens Gone Wild. Théoden comes to party, and musters the Rohirrim. Better late than never. Eomer makes stirring speech. Poser!

**Day Ten:** Arrived at Dunharrow, only have 6000 men to take on Orc Army. Having second thoughts about being king. Have tent to myself; Elvish interior decorator quite talented. Apparently velvet is in this year.

**Later that night: **Having naughty dream about Arwen; was interrupted by Elrond, family resemblance not apparent. Damn! Tells me Arwen is dying, no new doublets from her. Elrond tries to pimp for ghostly friend; not amused, but entertaining the idea. Gives me new weapon, very long and slightly wobbly. Decides to accept as old one not working. Eowyn tries to make me feel like a coward. Have to give her the 'it's not you, but me' speech. Leave the Rohirrim to face Orc Army alone. Glad to get out of that one. Try to sneak away alone, but Gimli and Legolas decide to tag along - perhaps they know something about ghostly friend that I don't.

**Day Eleven: **Legolas sucking up, he thinks I will be king. Beginning to doubt myself. Horses beginning to doubt me too. Brego leaves me, knew he would, only interested in casual relationships. Think Ghost king is down dark tunnel. If his breath smells as bad as tunnel, may have to rethink relationship. Still, mustn't be picky. Brego's breath was bad too! Legolas seeing things, he's just attention seeking, must be jealous. Good. Gimli showing true cowardly self. Ghostly King's entrance hall very spooky, having second thoughts. Ghostly king appears, not as goodlooking as first thought, stubble v. mangy. Ghost King taking rejection badly and calls in his posse. Have promised new life if posse follow me. Am exceeding own expectations, will be best king ever! Ghost army decide to follow me. Who wouldn't? Get hug from Legolas, beginning to think I can do better!

**Day Twelve:** Ghost army take over Corsair ships; Legolas kills first mate on ship – looks familiar! Am feeling kinglier by the minute.

**Day Fourteen: **Take pleasure cruise to Gondor; army doing all work, am sunning self on quarterdeck, must look good for future subjects. Am challenged at Gondor by two-headed orc, am so much more handsome than he is. Have unstoppable undead army. Feel heroic. Legolas showing off with oliphant. Shame as he has always wanted a pet. Battle over and feeling v. sweaty in sucessful, manly way. I am a winner! I know I am sexy, but looks from ghost army starting to disturb me. Cannot have them for harem, have wider choices now so have dismissed them. V. noble of me. Things looking better on king front. Eomer not happy, looks as if Eowyn might be dead, am very sad. Hope he doesn't blame me as I have already dismissed ghost army and he is bigger than me. Not more kingly, just bigger.

**Day Fourteen, evening:** Eowyn not dead, just v. ill. My presence will hasten recovery. Of course. I have healing hands.

**Day Fifteen:** Hatching cunning plan. Gandalf tries to show he knows better than me, but kingly self eclipses him. Suggest heroic last stand. Take one-up-manship with Sauron further by playing with his ball. Sparkly necklace falls off and breaks. Arwen not dead, but not sewing new doublet either. Lazy wench. Distracted by pretty new armour.

**Day Seventeen:** Arrive at Black Gate. Wonder where welcome committee is, don't they know I am king, or at least will be? Still more kingly than Eomer. Stubble update – growing in, afraid it making me look older and less attractive. Am sincerely unimpressed by Sauron's envoy, obviously hasn't worn braces. Will not put up with his twaddle, beheading is best option. Feel sick afterwards, but do not vomit in front of army – not kingly. Realise Mordor has bigger army than me. Oh, shit! Army of same opinion. Give stirring kingly speech, Eomer rolls eyes. Poser! Am surrounded, wish Frodo would get on with it. Legolas makes gay speech to Gimli. Am willing to die for country. Might actually really be heroic. Bugger! Sauron tries to psych me out, who does he think he is? King of Gondor?

Am drunk with courage. CHARGE! Bugger. Again. Battle REALLY ugly. Legolas and Gimli not counting now.

Pippin states the obvious, the eagles are here. Not many have turned up. Hatching season at home? Am stepped on by troll. Evil army has no pedicurists either. Troll leaves, obviously afraid of manly self. Earthquake. Looks like Frodo did it after all. Who knew? Hope they don't elect him king instead. Surely not. Am far more handsome. Sauron's tower falls. Impotent bugger. At least I still have my sword.

Gandalf rescues hobbits from deathtrap. Nothing but trouble. Always need rescuing. Very tiring.

**Day Nineteen:** Back at Minas Tirith. Frodo wakes up and is v. giddy. Must have been smoking already. I took time out from adoring fans for this?

**Coronation Day:** Suspect crown heavier than it looks. Enveloped by storm of rose petals – nearly sneezed. Let manly stubble grow to full beard, thought it would look better. Doesn't. Bugger. Give poncy speech. Sing song. Subjects listen politely, but starting to fidget. Suspect Faramir is prettier than I am. Suspect Eomer laughing at crown. Poser. Arwen arrives! Am v. happy. Wonder if she has bought new doublet? What has she done with her hair? Looks worse than mine. Achievement! Publicly snogged her to prove manliness.

Memo to self: sneak Legolas into chamber later.

Second memo to self: hide Gap of Rohan charge card from Arwen; she looks high maintenance. Also hide key to Treasury.

Threw bone to hobbits, they will leave quicker that way. More food in the kitchens. Cunning strategy on my part.

I Am The Best King Ever!

Still King. Ha!


End file.
